Elise Sutton and Stealth Submission
Two of my favorite subjects, which are actually related: Elise Sutton and Stealth Submission. For those of you who don’t know who Elise Sutton is, here is the website: http://elisesutton.homestead.com/.
When I first started learning about D/s, Elise Sutton was one of the few websites out there. Oh there were a few others out there, but they were just pure porn. From the start, I tried to figure out how D/s would work for me, and the answer to that is it that it works in a relationship with someone where I feel intimacy. So on the fact of things, Elise Sutton’s site seems to propose that. At the time I read through the whole site. I have to admit that I struggled so much with what was on there that I walked away from the concept of D/s completely. But as many of you guys know, you can’t completely walk away. And so I came back. I read through it again and decided that it was just another version of porn.
Here are some of the problems I have with it.
First of all, she says that all women are superior to men. That is just plain bull-shit. Seriously. You all know women who are useless. Women who couldn’t lead their way out of a paper bag. Women who are emotional and physical messes. Women are not superior to men. (Ok I may be superior to some of you but that is another story :) ) Sub men are wonderful supportive guys. They are not any less important because they are sub. They are not inferior. They simply like something different.
Second, she says that because all women are superior to men, they clearly are all dominant and just do not know it. All the man has to do is to ‘seduce her dominant nature’. She goes on to suggest that you start with stealth submission (more on that later) and then move on to buy her leather. I bet that there are quite of few of you on here who have tried stealth submission with no luck. If that is all it takes to make a woman dominant, there would be a whole lot of them out there.
There are a whole lot of other things I dislike, but the last one is a big one. Elise Sutton is really not a woman. Sorry to disappoint you guys. ‘Elise Sutton’ is really a bunch of people writing under the assumed name, most of them men. The whole purpose of this website is to sell you books. That is all. There is no truth to the site. It is written to appeal to desperate men who want their wives to be dominant, or men who get off on reading the D/s porn. Nothing wrong with porn as long as you know that is what it is. A very smart former partner of mine said that it doesn’t matter that ES is not a woman. But you see, it does matter. Because what is proposed on her website is not reality. It is a man’s version of what he thinks will sell to other men. It is NOT what a woman thinks or feels. Almost all women find the site ridiculous.
Many years ago, all of this led me to the thought that women should have more resources out there, and men should have realistic resources out there. And that these things needed to be based around relationships, actual or wanted. Thus I started the site She Makes The Rules (now owned by someone else) and this site, Men Submit.
But on to stealth submission. So many sites recommend this as a way for men to get their wives to participate or become dominant. The concept is that by becoming submissive and serving her without her asking, you will show her the value in your submission, and the value for her becoming dominant. In my years of talking to men I’ve only had one man tell me that this has worked. Here is why it doesn’t work.
First, not all women are dominant. You may feel very submissive, but that doesn’t mean that your wife is dominant. You can’t make a fish into a zebra. It is just impossible. Just because she might be in charge at work, or be good at keeping the household going, it does not mean that she wants to be kinky and dominant.
Next, stealth submission is all about not communicating with your partner. God forbid you actually sit down and communicate with your spouse about what you are feeling. Instead, you start doing chores for her. The idea is that she is going to recognise all of your hard work, thank you profusely, and start spanking you. All because you do chores for her. The only problem with this is that you should have been doing the chores in the first place. And if I were in a relationship with you and you all of a sudden started doing all of the chores, I would worry. I would think you were having an affair or something else was wrong. And I would get very angry that you were not talking to me. And the more angry I got the less likely I would be willing to do anything that you wanted.
But the last problem with stealth submission is that you start out doing all of these things for her, and because you don’t tell her what it is about, she doesn’t get it. Then you get tired of doing all these things because she is not being dominant for you. And so you stop doing them. Now she is angry because you are no longer doing chores. So now you are both unhappy.
The key to being successful with this is communication. I know it can be difficult. I know that it can sometimes be terrifying. But it is so much more honest than stealth.
I own Men Submit and am passionately committed to sharing information and experiences on how to live a female led relationship: from kink, to romance, to the daily practicalities of just gettin' it done. I live in San Diego with my subby hubby, BetaBoy, who is Australian. We are poly in our own fashion. This does not mean that we have a revolving door of partners. We prefer to have ongoing relationships with people vs. a one-off play date. At the moment our lives are very busy, but we always enjoy talking to people and meeting people. I'm an author, podcaster, and blogger. The topics I write and podcast about revolve around female led relationships and how to implement kink in a relationship with a dominant woman and submissive man. This is not just a commercial venture for us. We believe in living a D/s lifestyle, and love to talk and meet with others interested in the same thing. Books Finding Your Domme (a book for submissive males) is available here: http://goo.gl/uGhUxU Electronic Version Paper Version to be released very soon Finding Your Submissive (a book for dominant women) is available here: http://goo.gl/mpAe4j Electronic Version Paper Version to to be released very soon Podcasts You can subscribe to the podcasts on iTunes at http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/men-submit/id592… Or you can go to the Men Submit website and download them there Website/Blog Years ago I found it hard to find any non-porn resources having to do with femdomme, and in particular, female led relationships. So I created and run this website Men Submit. A sister website to Men Submit is She Makes The Rules (www.shemakestherules.com). This is a terrific site for learning about female led relationships, particularly for those starting out. There are forums that you can participate in. Soon there will be a dating module. Events I enjoy running and attending kink events. At the moment we are in an event hiatus due to an impending move, but we will start events back up in a few months.