Navigate / search

What is a Female Led Relationship?

Every relationship is different but here’s a very broad, general definition to get the ball rolling: “A female led relationship is one in which it is agreed by both people that the woman has authority to control some aspects of the relationship.” The extent to which this happens varies greatly from relationship to relationship and it is up to each couple to negotiate this. In fact, the term itself really need not be seen as all that scary or different from what you see happening all around you. Most people know at least one couple where the female seems to call the shots, right?

So what kind of control are we talking about? Well it can be anything ranging from very gentle right through to extreme. It can be expressed in highly sexual ways, or it could make its presence known in your life outside of the bedroom. It can be hard or soft, fun or intense, challenging or entirely natural. You could almost think of it as a choose your own adventure book, where you can really decide which paths you explore, and if it turns out that an avenue is not for you, you can always backtrack and try something else. Exciting, right?!

A Female Led Relationship (or FLR) is:

A female led relationship is one in which it is agreed and acknowledged by both people that the woman has authority to control some aspects of the relationship.
Completely consensual

Consent is given by both people within the relationship. To give consent basically means that you give informed non-coerced permission that you are willing to participate. So this means that both people in the relationships KNOW what they are agreeing to, are NOT being pressured or forced into agreement and understand that they have the right to choose whether they will continue to participate in the relationship. Consent is a basic human right in all human relationships and the same rules apply for a FLR.


What is the difference between a regular (called ‘vanilla’) relationship where the woman ‘wears the pants’ in the family and a FLR?   Acknowledgement is the key.  In an FLR, both partners acknowledge that the dynamic of the relationship is one where the woman is in charge.  Without a formal, or even semi-informal, acknowledgement

Different for everyone

There is no single “rule book” for how a FLR works. In some relationships the female’s control could relate to sexual activity, whilst in others there might be complete equality when it comes to sex. Other relationships could be based on the female having a much further reaching control. It could extend for example to financial, domestic and social activities. The key here is that it is different for every relationship. It’s a matter of negotiation between the two people within the relationship.

Able to be fun and emotionally fulfilling

Being in a FLR does not mean being locked into oppressive roles. The woman does not suddenly need to start behaving like a dominatrix or a whip wielding ice queen, if she does not want this. Similarly, the male does not need to assume the role of an automaton! Not at all! Yes, sometimes the energy within the relationship can be intense and powerful, but at other times people living in FLRs just relax and enjoy one another’s company. Also, they have a lot of fun with it! There is endless fun and mischief that can be had from the dance of the woman being in control.


Hopefully this should be beginning to be obvious: a female led relationship is real. There are countless real, fully functional, loving relationships out there that are based on FLR foundations. This is not some bizarre and unrealistic experiment that would never actually happen in real life. It’s doable, baby! It’s every bit as authentic and tangible as you want it to be.

NOT just about sex

A romantic relationship is a connection that goes beyond just sex and extends into many different corners of human experience. As you probably already figured out by now, this site is interested in that whole picture of a deep, committed connection between two people. Not every moment and energy you share in a relationship is sexual and your partner or potential partner is not just a sexual being, but a whole range of other things besides. It sounds obvious, but in the excitement of something new it’s surprisingly easy to lose sight of that fact. Grumpiness in the morning is part of a relationship. Career ambitions are part of a relationship. Sitting down on the couch and watching reruns of MASH is part of a relationship.

NOT an excuse for laziness within the relationship

We make this point last, because we hope it might be something of a mantra that you keep revisiting as you explore this site. A FLR is not an excuse for laziness within the relationship. In fact, to make a relationship like this work you need to know one another deeply and to be passionate about one another.

It doesn’t mean the female gets lumbered with all the little decisions that make domestic life happen. In fact, the male in a FLR typically works damn hard to make sure that she doesn’t need to be constantly making these decisions. On an emotional level the female does not need to feel that she is agreeing to make all the decisions and take all the responsibility for the relationship either. The rules and realities of a FLR throw a challenge down for the male to keep investing himself emotionally and mentally into making the relationship work and to continue to be exciting for the both of them.

In providing this description of a FLR to you, I am not saying that all of the above will happen naturally and easily! We all need to have our eyes open going into a relationship of any kind. Every romantic relationship requires real work and effort to make sure that it works. What we are hopefully providing you with though is an image to work toward; one that is both based on reality and an exciting opportunity for fantasy fulfillment at one and the same time.